First entry

Faerin's injuries from her boyfriend's assault three months before her death

The first thing I put in my journal after Faerin died.

When they come

To tell you she’s gone

They don’t take no for an answer
They come into your house
They don’t use euphemisms
They don’t sit down

They watch you fall apart and apologize for destroying your world

They wait and wait and wait for the next wave of useless, impotent faces to arrive

When they come

They can’t answer your questions
They have no information
They’re only doing their job
They didn’t know her

They never saw her dance
Never heard her laugh
Never held her while she slept
Never stroked her hair

Or heard her tell them
“I love you, mama”

I knew her – once

Every inch, every moment
Every favorite thing

I knew her music, her food, her stories

Where did it go wrong?

Knowing her is heaven when she’s here and hell when she’s gone

You can’t miss what you didn’t know
If you never saw her dance, you can’t miss the beauty

I miss her beauty
I miss her laugh

I miss her jokes
I miss her music
I miss her style
I miss her voice
I miss her

I miss her

God, I miss her

By Kya

Ordained in 2002, Kya has been actively seeking community, wisdom, and joy ever since. A professional Emotional Support Person and Reiki Master Teacher, she is running Transcendental Cuddle Parties online until it's safe for us all to cuddle each other in person again.

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